aw shannon, you are great.

you must click!

we look young.. especially the first picture of julia and shannon the musulman.

so i put up my archives. the archives page looks gross, but it does it's job.

i didn't before because i talked about the nerdery a lot, and i knew robin read this, but i didn't want him to read some stuff.

but then he informed me that he figured out how to read my archives even though they weren't linked. and he read them already.
and enjoyed them! (so he says)

so there they are, pour vous, julia. and whoever else.

i was reading some more of my old posts.
i think the ones where i'm in a bad mood are more interesting. enjoyable, even.

i read some stuff i wrote about many nerderees. they were pretty harsh (the things i said). i wouldn't apologize, but i'll say that i definately don't have the same opinion anymore.
in many ways...

hm ..

i read one from november, where gabe was sci socing, and allison and i first saw the cn tower pens. today in calc, i sat beside allison and played with her cn tower pen. and now i'm looking at mine, which is sitting on my desk.

i want you to visit me here
and i want to visit you there!

lots of people mix up trent and trenton. i tell them where i'm from, and they think i mean trent. even though trent isn't even a town..

i joined the chinese association today. we will see how it goes.
apparently, a white guy joined this year.
they had a thick book of stores where you get discounts, mostly in the GTA. i flipped through and it's all places i would rarely frequent because i can't do mandarin, and i can only understand cantonese, but not speak it.

i read one of my old posts from last year.

it seemed like it was written by a different person. someone very annoying.

but i'm glad i read a few of those things. it was nice to remember.

i feel like i'm at summer camp.

i think that's one of my big problems.
i think i'm at summer camp, and that i don't have to get up if i don't want to.

i'm going to sleep.
i hope you're doing okay

why is everything making me so sad?

i had a healthy sized post full of unhealthy thoughts
i decided to kill it. i think i made the right choice.

i was just reading old emails. productive, i know.
they made me happy for a while.
but after every smile, i would just feel worse.

i'm not bitter anymore.
i just feel all soft and rotten.

disgusting.
i do not.

i'm sad i'm sad i'm sad i'm sad

and i wouldn't have to come here to tell you
if you would just listen in the first place

so it's all your fault

because it's never mine..

you never listen.

i'm going to delete this one too.

i'll blame you more first.

no i won't, i'm sorry.

i can't stand not even having the chance.
it's not about that anymore

maybe it is.

so this is what it's like.
it's been so long.
it feels comfortable

will you change if you don't get the chance to be yourself ever again?
this is just another facet.

so they say.

i don't want to be happy ever again.

i need to look at the stars.

i need to see someone i love.

i'm tired of being forced into saying i love you.

it's a joke.

i feel sick.
my emotions are manifesting themselves in my gut.

a sad barf. a happy pill.

i should delete it.

don't worry about me.
sorry if i scared you.

why can't you be more like me

why do i always have to change
why does it change on me

this will go on forever.

i won't delete it.

the mandatory drug seminar was today.

i didn't go to practice.

work.

i forgot "practice" was the seminar.

they said if you don't go you can't compete.

fuck.

i'm in a bad mood and i think i took it out on laurie.

:(

i feel like a jerk.

this girl was leaving the pool as i was going in, and i noticed she was walking strangely. i asked her what's wrong, and she just said she was sore.

but she has a disability! i never knew.

i was wondering why she had a canadian national team cap, but wasn't the fastest.

rookie night was insane.

i still have lipstick stains all over my face.
i'll start from the start...

after practice there was Maroon and Grey. which was a sort of competition within the team, with alumni coming out to watch. the girls were in their two pieces, the rookies being marked, and the guys.. some of them (not even rookies) were wearing girls' suits, and the rest had to tuck the butt of their suits deep into their asscracks. the second years decorated our lockers. there was relay racing involving eating gross food.

afterwards there was a mini relay between rookie girls, veteran girls, rookie boys, veteran boys...but there were 3 boy teams.. so i'm not sure how that worked out. after that everyone told us to jump in and go to the middle of the pool. so the team was there and suddenly all the older kids started jumping up and down and splashing really violently. the pool was so frothy.. then they started cheering and then there was a hug. the whole time all the rookies were glancing at each other, and saying "what the fuck?!" with their eyes.

so then the older girls were screaming at us and telling us to hurry the fuck up and get dressed. they kept yelling and threatening us. we changed into our bar shirts and spandex. then we ran out of the sports complex and there were a few older guys there, shirtless. the girls started making us run down forsyth towards someone's house, but before we left, the 6 older guys who were out shirtless ripped off their pants and streaked through campus. there were a couple cars driving in, and they all stopped in the middle of the road.

we got to the house and they put garbage-bag hula skirts on us. our hair was put into pigtails, we were given leis to wear, and to put in our hair. they put makeup on us. mlle kwakkernaat-style. we looked like we had eaten lipstick. pictures were taken. they hustled us out into the living room as the guys came in the house. when they came out they were wearing the same garbage hula skirts, neon tube tops, and had "slut" written all over them. we were paired up with a guy. i was with a guy named jeff. he's in my bio lectures. he's always flirting with girls. he's a hot asian. he does breaststroke too. bastard. it was really cold out. we all went to another house. they had a kiddie pool full of mud. they guys were to go inside on all fours and buck off the girls who were sitting on their backs. we didn't get hosed off. it was muddy. it was said: "don't feel you have to drink. as an alternative, you can show us your tits!" i did neither there.

another house. more shots were handed out.

another house. tequila body shots.

another house. blindfolded feeding of people.

another house. a 3 keg party. more tequila body shots. rookies were supposed to swallow goldfish. i didn't.
keg stands.

i left early with jeff and a girl named eileen. not really for any particular reason. it wasn't a bad time. eileen wasn't drinking and we said we'd walk home together. i got the feeling she was feeling more isolated the longer we were there, and i didn't want to drink anymore, plus i didn't want to end up walking home really late at night. jeff was outside sitting with two other rookies and decided to come with us. he was falling asleep everywhere anyway. i didn't know eileen was a rookie, but she's pretty cool. she's in engineering and doesn't like her rez.

when we went by tim hortons, it was full of elderly people. most of them laughed and pointed through the glass, but one of the old ladies looked so offended.

on the way home we got some food there. i'm surprised they served us.

i was told swim parties end early, but it's pretty funny how early it was when we were going home. we walked past so many people who were just on their way out. i kept forgetting how we looked and didn't understand the car honks and people's reactions to us.

after last night, i still don't see what the big deal about alcohol is.

my grammar is going down the drain.

i did something about the funk from the fridge. the kitchen is clean, thanks to robin.

things are good.

which means they will get worse soon.

what a horrible thought.

it's nice out.

my room started to smell extremely nice today, and i'm suspicious as to why. maybe it's the apple cores in my garbage. there was that one time i kept a little apple in my room for a long time, and it started to rot, but i didn't throw it out right away because it made my room smell nice.

aiko caved and washed half of the dishes in the sink. or.. one section full of dishes.

now she's mad. herpreet said she's thinking of just calling a house meeting to blame someone.

i guess they're all convinced it's robin.

speaking of, i wonder if she's home. her slippers are at the door, signalling that she's not..but it's late.

a rock just hit my window.

eunice just walked in the door.

stupid dan.

dirty dish drama

the sink smells like a dirty hockey jersey.

aiko confided in me that she, herpreet, and amoy suspect it's robin's dishes.

robin confided in me that she suspects it's nico's.

eunice thinks it's choni's, but is pretty sure it's not nico.

i'm starting to think it's robin's. because robin had a mug in there for a long time, now it's cleaned. i recognized it. and robin's little tupperware cup that her mom packed a baked apple in is still there. i remember because i had a hard time believe her mom baked her a single apple, and packed it in a single serve tupperware too.

plus it sounded like aiko and the two others had put a lot of thought into it. she said they've been "thinking" about it for about a week now.

another reason why i think it may be robin's is because that night that i was in a bad mood, i went to robin's room to bitch about the grossness of the stovetop. i complained and complained, then robin said "oh yeah, i think that's my job this week." BUT IT'S STILL DIRTY AS I TYPE!! robin was also complaining a lot about the dirty dishes in the sink, and how she's "really starting to get ticked off" now. but they're probably her dishes...

i just cleaned the bathroom again.
i'm pretty damn proud. i got rid of those little blackish spots in the tub. turns out it was mildew.
nothing like mold growing on your tub. or your swim cap.
i rarely shower. there anymore. it's all about the gym showers, folks.

i think i'm the best at cleaning the bathroom.
i think the trophy is in the mail.

i'm basically getting a letterman jacket. how funny is that? now i just need to date a cheerleader and find someone who will belly high-five with me everytime we see each other...

wait.. wait... no, that's right.

i'm liking bio lectures more. i find my prof somewhat charming now.

i like mac.

i complained earlier about people wearing a whole lot of mac memorabilia, but i actually like it and makes me happy to see people proud of going here.

i was going to wear my U of T sweater today. i didn't. hence: "going to"
i will soon. and tell you all about it.

maybe i should wear it when we swim against U of T...
my team would be so mad at me..

here's yet another exerpt..from another email.. from the other 1/2 of the swimming twins (the one who HASN'T made it clear that she is my "pal"):



To: all the rookies on the team
From: i told you already
Sub: Hey Rooksters!

... toronto is gonna have one helluva surprise this year when we kick their ass at oua's! (sorry steph...no offense to your cousin) do you wanna know why we are gonna kick their ass! b/c we have heart, we have speed, we have excellence...and now we have a bunch of rookies who are goin to blow any rookie toronto has right out of the water!!! ...

it really is a rivalry.. and it's real because it only involves two parties, like how rivalries should. i can't wait to swim against them though. i remember about two months before my first meet ever, my coach at the time (jen lachine! i remember.. ) asked me what my goals were. i said i wanted to be as fast as my cousin pamela. she asked what pamela's time was. it was something insane for someone her age.. something like 1:10 for 100fr or something. i told jen, and she just kind of looked at me for a while. i guess she didn't know how to tell a 9 year old that her goal was rediculous. i also want to go into space.

i hope i become good enough to be decent competition..

enough of this Rudy crap. workie workie..

"Don't drink!? You're on the McMaster Drinking Team!"
- 2nd year Marauder.

they are very apologetic usually.

i was working at my desk this morning. the right side of my desk is pushed up right against my window (aka primary form of entertainment). I saw what looked like a rat walk leisurely across the outside of my window, it's fur brushing up against the glass. i looked closer and it turns out it was a squirrel. i've never seen a squirrel so close before. it put it's front paws up against the window glass. i turned to face it, and i thought that my movement would scare it off. but it stayed! and seemed intrigued! it sniffed around for another thirty seconds, then took a bite out of the wood of my window. i said, "hey!" and tapped the glass. then i lunged at it, but would stop a few centimeters of the glass. it wasn't fazed at all. it looked at me, probably the same way i was looking at it. then it jumped off and left.

it came back again later, and i was hoping it would stay so i could show aiko, but it decided to go.

i looked out my window for it again later, and i saw it on the big tree in our front lawn. i recognized it's two grey/bald spots on it's back. i was amused, to say the least.

when i was leaving to go to class, i stopped to tell robin about the squirrel. as the conversation was coming to a close, i opened the door... and the squirrel was sitting on our front step! i yelled: "that's the one!" and pointed at it. "it's the same! i know it! and it knows mee!"

robin said something like "oo squirrel"

i lunged at it again. it ran for a foot or two, then turned to look at us again. i took a step towards it and it ran under the (parked) van.

if i see it again i'll name it.

maybe it's really a human stuck in the body of the squirrel. and he (she?) just wants out. but will no one understand him (her)?!

ran into justin again today. he's roommates with jeff, i guess.

the plan is to rent some movies and watch 'em (i like having a tv that is not connected, but can still show videos) after rookie night, which is tomorrow. but i'm wondering how late it'll be before i get home, and also what kind of a state i'll be in.

my left thigh hurts a lot. a sharp pain. it's from all the breast stroking i've been doing. and i mean just that.

psych is really interesting right now. all this disorder business. if i ever get into medicine, and don't become a family doctor, it's what i'd study. if i don't get into medicine, i hope i get into neurological research. and maybe teach at the same time?

too early to say.
time to eat!

i told emma that i don't know how good mac's fine arts programme is, but that's only because i haven't looked into it. there's a museum of art on campus... so yep!

ahaaaahahaa
eunice came up to ask if i wanted to go watch survivor at her friend karen's rez. i said no, but i'd settle for throwing something at kevin and dan when they came to get her. we were thinking about tomatoes, but didn't want to waste any food. so wet paper towels it is.

it worked out well.

except there's wet paper towels stuck to my window now..

ah c'est la vie.

i'm starting to get a handle on things.
it feels nicer.

it's a bad mood. talking to robin about if we're going to stay here or find a different place for next year. she seems to want to live with eunice. eunice is fucking annoying. she's very self-absorbed. talks as if you never said anything. always about dan and kevin. by the way, did she mention she hangs out with two guys? doesn't like nico because nico doesn't talk to her. a fucking loser. embodiment of everything i wish to distance myself from.

but actually not the worst person i've ever met. pretty average, even.

man. i'm pissed off.
i marched off abruptly after almost starting a fight. after i made a remark about something eunice said, they (robin and her) both went silent for a bit.

they think it's because of my studying.
maybe.
read this. i wrote it for someone else.


i had a frustrating day. my bio lab partner was very useless. a rock with a smiley face painted on it would have been just as helpful, and much more interesting. i thought people were cheating me during the lab, and i acted rude to them, but then it turned out they were being truthful, but i kept being rude anyways. i always feel like people are trying to cheat me. i think you may have made me paranoid. but always thinking you're being cheated makes you try to cheat other people first. i've turned into quite an academic jerk. for example, i made my lab partner get her own results, because i didn't want her to know mine. even though we were partners.

my lab partner was annoying, as i told you before. i told her to do a simple task (mark a line on a paper and then make a hole in it) while i worked with samples, and when i came back the paper was unmarked, and she was talking on her cell phone to her friend!
she was korean, and i think an international student

it seems like majority of asians are what you would call "hong kong" asians. they are fascinated with fashion, extreme hair, smoking, and looking bored. the girls are always chittering away, playing with cell phones, wearing sunglasses indoors..and the guys are no better. maybe it's all a front to throw everyone else off, like that guy who ripped his textbook in your class, but if it is, it's a REALLY good one.

i took a look around my bio lecture today and i noticed all the brown kids sit in the front left. the front middle has a lot of girls, as does the front right. towards the back of the hall (back row) it's 95% caucasian. i guess you want me to sit in the front left?

an upper year told me the test bank is open tomorrow (4 years worth of old exams and tests) so since i dont' have early class tomorrow i'm going there to sign them out and photocopy them.

yesterday i had a good day at shcool, but bad day at swimming. and today it's the opposite. the assistant coach said i was swimming well. there is a bonding night ("rookie night") this friday. i was talking to a girl who went to aculpoco last year, and she said everyone got sick. she found it pretty unpleasent and wasn't sure if she was going back this year.

i'm glad you think i have the right attitude, but i wonder what kind of a person i'm going to become because of it! like i said before, i'm always trying to cheat and cut down everyone else before they do that to me. it seems like the people in my classes are not very intelligent at all. they are still in party mode. so i'm always thinking of the people at the people hiding away in their closets, with their little study cliques.

that's it. fuck off, world.

[note: there was more. it wasn't too healthy. or maybe it was... well either way this is what you'll be getting.]

let me show you a bit of what was posted on my swim locker today..

HEY ROOKIE GIRLS



okay nevermind. i was going to but then i realized how boring that would be.

it was about rookie night, which is this friday. it was basically a list telling us what we would need.

* brightest flip flops you have
* brightest coloured bar type shirt you can find
* binkini, tankini, two-piece...brightest you can find (there's a theme going on here..IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE! hahaha)
* makeup if you are allergic. we will provide if you're not. "HA HA"
* a sweater, we will be doing walking/crawling
* if you don't drink alcohol, let me know
* a pair of tight spandex/workout shorts that will fit under a skirt (skirt provided)

i think they're getting all the rookies really drunk, then making them wear all that stuff at once, go to a bar, and strip.

gaye made a fuss when i said i wasn't going to aculpoco. i think i spell it differently every time. so now i'm back to "discussing" with my parents.

i have a calc quiz in maybe half an hour. it's dark out. boo hoo.

swimming felt bad today. well, the actual swimming felt okay, except for when we were doing 1000br straight. i felt like i was sinking. it was unpleasent. but then afterwards i think i gave up and just coasted the whole practice. it sucks, giving up and not caring.

the day was okay though.
i don't remember why.

the weather, as always.

nothing new to say.

i keep better in touch with my friends now than i did back when i was at home.
i think, anyway.

i should bring my safety whistle.

i don't have one.

i'll just wear my lifejacket instead.

i only have one decoration in my room.
it is the picture shannon gave me last year, of 4 of us at the locks.

to be honest, i was slightly offended when shannon brought pierre there.
it's lame and old now though (my...offendedness. not the locks)

i think i saw ace's arcade shut down last time i was in ttown.

how metaphorical.

depressing.

my calc prof is awesome. he's so casual. when he asks a question i usually say my answer under my breath so if i'm wrong there's no embarassment, but if i'm right i can act all cocky. i did that today and he heard, and he said, "who gave that answer?" but i didn't say anything, and i think i became really really still. because they can't see me if i stay still. then he asked a few more times and i stayed still a few more times too. then he gave up.

what a riviting story.

blah blah..

a lot of people swam breaststroke tonight. it made me feel less special because they were all really good. even if they are mostly guys. but there were a few girls who were keeping up while i refused to get tired or try.

i don't know.
i'm not feeling it, as the hipsters would say.

do do do..

i'm going to get going.

itchy palms.
isnt' that a sign of something?

i recieved another email, one that was all about ontario universities. oh joy..
i really dont' know why i'm so facinated by ontario university jokes.

but i am.

bye. if i am attacked on my way to/from calc quiz, tell my mom she's awesome.

i'm a sap. (tree)

i just blew my nose and almost passed out. i felt really lightheaded.

dan was throwing rocks at my window last night after his drunken night out with eunice which was actually him telling her kevin's "don't want to ruin the friendship" comments. it was scary and i thought maybe my glass was cracked. not romantic at all, as the movies would tell you. why would you open your window if someone was throwing stuff at it? wouldn't you worry that they'd throw another one just as you open it, and you look out just in time to catch the rock with your eye or something?

i looked out, then closed the blinds abruptly. then chortled for the next half hour.

didn't i say i was going?

ho hum.

i say i'm not interested at all in eunice and kevin's weird relationship, yet i keep updating you on it, as if you care.

i'm not going to stop.

my arms hurt.

i really will do the first impressions one day. i have a short one for zach.

BA!

p.s. i blog so much, my page doesn't even display a week's worth of blogs. there's a good chance people can come here and actually miss out on some posts. poor poor, poor them.

i can't study so i'm pulling out my "make me study" magic.

which is classical music, sadly enough.

after this it's silence..so let's hope it works

zach: try harder! open your shirt more! strump it up!

i'm supposed to be at the pool right now.

i'm going to skip tonight.

i hope this isn't the start of something.

i skipped chem this morning.

i read julia's $40/class comment.

i felt like i should feel hypocritical.

i didn't, though.

i'm going to skip swimming..
i feel nervous.
maybe i should go
i really don't want to end up never going to practice like before
it's easy to keep going but so hard to start again
i'm going to skip anyways
i feel like being selfish
i feel like i have to or i'll cave in on myself
that would suck
that's why i skipped chem
i felt like i had to do something because i felt like it
and that's what i'm doing now
i better not do it again
i should go
ahh i should go!
i'm not going to..

i had a phys lab again today. i saw abeer. we never get to actually sit down and talk. she's moving into town. stef (the guy who wants to marry a girl named steph) found me and said, "you ready, team superstar?" he keeps referring to us as team superstar. he mentioned how our "other member" was "holding us back" last time. which was true. but kind of rude. but true. so basically we were lab partners again. and another girl sat down with us, an international one. i think she's ukranian. she didn't know how to read the ruler. maybe she was nervous. she flubbed her results in the end.

so i guess stef isn't too bad. maybe it's the whole pity for friendship thing again. this time he had a story about waking up to some girl and making her cry the next day when she asked if they wanted coffee but he said he was really busy and she said "is that you just trying to say you don't want to see me again?" and he said yeah, i'm sorry, and she cried, and came back and his whole floor was making a big production of it. but he's "not like that usually". sure sure.

i like how people tell me they were wasted beyond belief, woke up beside random girls, but nothing happened. because they can't remember anything except that nothing happened.

i heard that auntie (the lady who looked after me and my brothers up until i was in about grade 8)'s youngest grandson goes to mac. and today in my physics lab, one of the guys beside me came towards me and said "stephanie?" and i said "yeah" and he's all "hey, it's nelson" and i'm all "oh yeah, you're... you're...auntie's...yeah" and then the situation's all "hey, i'm kinda awkward" and then i go "i was wondering when i'd bump into you" and he's all "yeah i've seen you" (...i'm sure his grammar is a little rusty. he's a real live asian!) and i'm all "do i have classes with you?" and he goes "8:30am physique?" and stef goes "physics." and he goes "uh yeah, physics" and i'm all "no..i have chem.." and then after more such small talk he left.

i wouldn't have recognized him anyways. it's only because he would be the only asian guy to recognize me. so i assumed it was him. i'll have to tell my mom i bumped into look-jing. or maybe he's jung-jing... i only know him and his brother by their chinese names. i remember one had a mole of about half a centimeter in diameter..and that may have been nelson, although it seemed too light to be the mole i remember. but what are the odds of both brothers having moles on their cheeks, only in different intensities?

stef goes "is that you're boyfriend?"
yes, because everytime i bump into my boyfriend he has to introduce himself and make sure i'm who he thinks i am.

i accidentally spilt a full extra-large mug of tea onto my desk this morning at 2:30am. it was all over my chem notes and electronic stuff on my desk. then it was pouring onto the wires and powerbar under my desk. i cleaned it up without incident, the notes look pretty normal now, but it was a sign from God to stop studying (because god works by spilling tea). they are "teabagged" kind of, and are kind of crinkly. but have a loverly apple-mango scent.

there's a biggo traffic jam outside. accidents on the 403, yellow poncho man holding a cello case told me.

i don't want to be unhappy anymore.
here is my latest psychoanalysis of myself:
instead of keeping my expectations low to keep from being disappointed,
i was keeping myself unhappy to keep from being made unhappy.

eh, eh? pretty good, eh?

no, i didn't really think so either.

i miss auntie..

calc quiz tomorrow.

i'm also taking on the role as test subject for a psycology experiement. i think i'm going to be rating people's attractiveness. if i volunteer for another hour, i get 3% guaranteed on my final mark.

whoopie..

bye bye

eunice just came all the way up to my room to ask if she could use my name.

"?"

she was doing that thing where you hook your hands together behind your back, stand on one foot, while screwing the toes of your other foot into the ground.

i wanted to shove her just because she was doing that.

apparently, she told kevin the engineer (remember: she ADORES him!) on msn that she was me. her plan is to try to get him to tell her his side of the story and see what he remembers from that uneventful super-eventful night.

what a loser.

that said, i don't dislike her. maybe i'm mistaking the pity i feel for her as friendship.
she's like a helpless puppy that keeps pissing on the carpet.
or heidi.

she tells me that she made up a guy named seth to try to get kevin jealous.
"i'll say i have his number..no, he has mine, and he'll be calling any minute.."

and all kevin did was talk to another girl. eunice and kevin aren't even dating. eunice's only justification is that she has a huge obsessive crush on kevin. that's what happens when you build yourself up. he's not even that great of a guy. he reminds me of jesse.

do people not realize that they are paying thousands of dollars just to be here?

i had actually forgotten that i'd predicted i would blog something mindless but try to make it sound significant.

that's pretty funny.

hungaree in me dungarees...

some people go kind of overboard with all the mac merchandise.

bag, binders, sweaters, pants, hat, mug, lanyard, id holder, clipboard, shirt, umbrella, pencil case, jacket, baby clothes...

and they wear it all at the same time.

my dad is coming by today. ugh. i feel like i'm wasting time (because i am) so off i go..

i hope the marauders beat queen's.
do it up!

i think i like being the bad housemate.

i think if anyone would have to complain about me, it would be how i forget my laundry in the washer and dryer. but i keep a basket down there so they can put my clothes in it for me. maybe it's my taste in music? which actually isn't my taste. it's mostly songs people mention in their blogs that i listen to, dislike, but am too lazy to get rid of.

otherwise, it might be how i play music at 3am. and how i shower really late too. and how i forget to turn off my alarm when i go home. that was only once.

or how i keep you up while i staple gun my bed together. that was once as well.

actually, i'm a pretty good housemate. i clean my dishes right away. i even picked up a dead fly today, instead of leaving it for the next person who saw it, which was my original plan. of course, i used two big sheets of paper towel to do it.

i just finished the first chem quiz. it's to be marked in 3 hours. bleh. i'm never doing that to myself again.

no, that's a lie. i didn't learn my lesson at all.

i hope i do well..
because then this cycle of denial and procrastination can go on.

"here comes the sun...it's alright"

you tell 'em, boys.

eunice had a drunken night of embarassment yesterday. she's been talking about it constantly. she can be quite self-absorbed, but i guess shes' just needing to vent. i was annoyed until she thanked me for listening, then i felt like listening more. my mom visited me! she just came right into the house and scared me as i was studying in my room.

you have definately been studying too much when you have hallucinations of your mother standing in the doorway, asking you where she should take off her shoes.

but it wasn't a hallucination so..

aw.

we went to a lebanese-canadian cuisine place. their sauces were quite overpowering. we were talking in chinglish for mostly the whole time. except for when my mom said, "nope, chinese food is definately still the best", in english, while tossing her napkin on the table. it was pretty funny.

my mom is one of those people who will keep telling you the same story over and over. but today she said that she's going to honduras for 10 days with a doctors-without-borders kind of deal. i flipped out and told her it was too dangerous. she said it was the same thing with me and the dominican republic, "only this time we're actually giving to the community". heh... well...

i don't want her to go, i'd be too worried. she'll probably go anyways. the short ones are tricky like that.

i'm going to shower then to bed. then i'll wake up and eat something. then i'll probably sit around for a while, and maybe stretch my toes. then i'll probably put on a cardigan and turn on the fan. then i'll eat some more and see if eunice is up. i'll finally start working for about half an hour, then i'll get distracted by someone walking past my window. then i'll check my email and by then maybe robin will be home and i'll listen to her talk about how all her friends from home were expecting her to be all broken up about her breakup with dave. then eunice will come out and i'll leave before i hear another word about the drunken night of uneventful super-events. maybe i'll try some math. then i reminice about answering that question. i'll probably blog something mindless but try to make it sound significant. then i'll eat a cracker or two, and taste test the yogurt i forgot in the downstairs fridge. after that, depending on how the yogurt feels in my tummy, i may lie down on the extra long couch in the living room or i may eat some more.

you crazy. you're never getting your 5 minutes back (sure. maybe you're a slow reader?)

emma had a death threat for an msn name again. i was going to talk to her but i had to finish the quiz. i wonder how many times she'll tell her kids to go die.

goodnight, luvahs.

hehe i used "lovers" in an actual sentence today. i couldn't think of a word to describe two people who are more than friends. i waved my arms dramatically though, which somehow cancels out the lame.

two lames make a ... i.. oh my stomach feels like it's caving in one side.

i kind of like it.

okay, this one is for real.

sometimes, actually more often than just sometimes, i'll notice that i'm counting my strokes in swimming. Usually i'm up to the 30s before i even realize what i'm doing. i usually keep counting anyways. i think it's because you want to have anything in your head except for the thought that you're just two strokes away from barfing.

kipp swam today. he looks like a little boy when he's not wearing his clothes.

shut up, laurie.

no, never shut up. never.

i've been spelling many names wrong.

i was in a bad mood today. but do you ever feel angry at the world, and the fact that you feel you can be bitchy to everything puts you in a good mood? i feel good now. it must be because i just realized it is friday. robin and eunice aren't home. i wonder where they are... i think dan (eunice's friend from home) is cooking us dinner tonight. robin wants him to. that trixy girl...

i answered a question in calculus for the first time ever. i've never answered a question in any of my lectures. i've posed a few (wait..have i? no, i think i waited until the end of class, like the wuss i am). the lectures are only 50 minutes long (for me), which i used to think was really short. but they seem to drag on sometimes. i feel bad, however, when everyone simultaneously starts putting away the little fold out desk back into their seats and packing their bags, closing their binder clasps. it's really noisy and the lecturer is usually still talking while this happens. i get kind of mad; it's so rude. it's really hard not to look pitiful when you're trying to cram in some last words over the sound of squeaking, mumbles, shuffles, and such. they raise their voice, look up to the last few rows (as if that would somehow project their voice better), and with a somewhat pleading and desperate tone, try to slip in a few more snippets of information for our benefit.

dance jojoman, dance!

is it sad that i'm picturing josie dancing in china? josie, do you remember dancing in the big parking lot surrounded by leery chinese men? you had one of those vietnamese bamboo hats on your head. then you took two and put each on your respective bosoms (is bosom singular? does it have to be a pair?). then you danced on one foot. it was drizzling, like it is now. it was freezing too. there was a wrinkly little raisin of a lady who watched you the whole time, but didn't crack a smile. but didn't leave, either.

josie put on quite the show. i think they may have applauded, but i'm not sure.

i feel a bit guilty, as if i'm leaving my mom behind. because now it seems like i might go to acapulco (that doesn't look right. maybe because it isn't?) for the xmas training camp. she was so proud when i said i wouldn't go. but the coach wants me to. i don't know how i feel. it's probably more of a team building thing than anything. i'd be home from the 16th to the 27th.. but i already told her i wouldn't... i feel bad because she's going to tell me to do what i want to do, but what she'd really mean is that she's hurt that i'm going.

it's windy out. i wish i were playing outside with all my little friends (the midgets).

what i've kept around

And I was like "yeah I like joking about nationalities" or some shit like that. And then I said something about me & you joking about Chinese & Italian people. And then I just decided to say "So, did you want Stephanie or what?"

ahahah sharon. those lines pretty much sum her up.

i wonder if she still reads this...

finally

i had a good day.

a really good one.

the best one since coming here.

i think the weather played a part. it was perfect, and still is. i love overcast, windy days.
the fact that i gave up early on homework for a full night's sleep probably helped out as well.
also the lovely notes from julia and mike.

i finally saw someone from ole ttown. it was justin. he was going to his bio lecture and i was sitting on the steps. all this time i had been dreading bumping into anyone from spcss at mac, but it wasn't bad at all. pleasent, you might even say.

he gave me his extension. i have many extensions now. but when will i ever use them?

i had some pretty funny dreams last night.

there was a swim meet at mac, except the pool was the pool i had my first meet in (i.e. crappy)
everyone was wearing those sharkskin full body suits. including me. and somehow, it was an olympic-caliber meet. i became really good friends with my calc prof after pretending to be interested in his research. i told him i didn't understand it, though, and he got mad at me.

i keep seeing chem chris (this isn't my dream anymore) and i know he sees me, but we both act like we didn't see each other. if i was sure of his name, i'd yell it when i saw him, and i'm starting to think he forgot mine too.. i'll confess my forgetfulness next time i see him. which should be tomorrow at 10:30am. scary? maybe.

uh oh.. i drank a lot of milk just a while ago...

"lactose intolerence! the curse of my people!"

i just quoted myself. haha i'm an ass.

i feel so much better right now. and i like how it's because it was an all around good day, not because of any particular event.

i think it started with my bio tutorial yesterday. we played name bingo (blah) but it turned out to be fun (wierd).

my swim cap is moldy.
how moldy is it?
it's so moldy that it looks like leopard print.

i've had comments made on it.

i bought a new one.

but it was my first cap that went moldy before it snapped or ripped. so i feel like i'm wasting it.

on a related note my hair is really sick right now.

robin was in er yesterday, chaperoning (ha chaperonin..okay too much school..) naomi, who has a virus that usually affects 0-5 year olds. one of naomi's friends got a wasp sting for the first time and robin made it sound like they were all on the brink of death, but when eunice and i went to bring them drinks, they were just sitting around with homework on their laps, watching bring it on on tv. it was hilarious, they shouldn't have even been there.

robin had told me there was a guy wearing a "mcmaster swimming" shirt in the waiting room as well. eunice and i decided to take a detour to the hospital waiting room on our way to the coffee pub. but before we arrived, eunice blurted, "steph just wants to go to check out the swimmer!!" and i chased after her. because it was true. and i was ashamed. all my feigned interest in naomi's well-being was for nothing. robin was telling us that we wouldn't be able to get past the security guard because we didn't have our hands stamped, that the swimmer was pretty ugly and had acne, but i think she didn't want us to go because we were being so stupid. we got in, however, and we went straight to naomi. i could tell eunice was trying to look for the swimmer, but i was too ashamed to look at anything. at least not with robin there. i felt like she was my conscience, sitting there doing her homework while tending to an ill friend. plus she kept watching me...and i couldn't do it. i didn't get a look at the swimmer.

robin later told me that she was mistaken and the swimmer was actually pretty good looking. she started talking to him and found that he's 3rd year and is named malcom. you could tell by the way she was telling us all the details about him that she learned, she was interested in him. (robin broke up with dave, boyfriend of 2 years just last weekend. it was a little sad, but you could tell she didn't want us to think she was sad)

so she said: "he swims all strokes. he was wearing the mcmaster swimming shirt, and his friend was the one with acne. he was looking after his friend who had fallen off his bike and lost some of his memory. he says he only got on the team because of his brother, who isn't swimming anymore. i asked if he knew a rookie named steph and he asked if she was a breaststroker (dammit!) and chinese, and i said yes, and he said he might know who you are." i don't know who he is. "he's thin" all male swimmers look thin with their clothes on. uh.. that sounded really weird.

but anyways. maybe a little setty setty up is in due order. we shall see..

actually, i decided a while ago to stay away from playing matchmaker. it's not that fun, and gets really tiresome really quickly (haha emma..).

i'm wallowing in self-pity, apple-mango tea, and four dollars worth of "oriental rice snacks".

my mug says "E=MC^2" on it.

herpreet, aiko, and amoy just left for a club.

choni, nico, and eunice are asleep.

robin is at the campus movie, bowling for columbine. she should be back already. should i be worried?

i guess i lied about not posting "those kinds" of posts anymore.

i don't think i've blogged so often before.

i'm not really wallowing in self-pity.

but boy do i ever love food.

it's fixed, juicy. let us never speak of it again. (really.)

i feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

for goodness' sake, kiss my grits and fuck off.

swimming was my only joy yesterday, as unlikely as that sounds. but it was a really good practice. i like when there are people in the stands. but i can't help but wonder what the hell they're doing there. what a waste of time- watching swim practice.

varsity swimming is so.. varsity.
they go out drinking after every meet. one of the campus bars, quarters (a lot of people pronounce it with a mid-west accent for some reason..."qwa-tas"), has the swim team on a list so they can "bypass the line". the swim team put down more "drinking dates" than meets.

there is a sports therapist who comes to practice twice a week, who will take you to the massage table on this little balcony overlooking the pool. they ask "who's sore?" and if you are, you go and he does his thing. i haven't gone because i thought it was normal to feel sore, that it was a good thing. so i don't want to end up going and him saying, "hey, you lie. this muscle is perfectly relaxed. go home. forever." or something like that. i'm intimidated by it, basically.

they also give you towels so you don't have to bring/clean your own. you trade them in and get another when you come in the complex. you can bet on me stealing a few.

still..

i don't think any of those things are uncommon, just uncommon to me.

i told erin, one of the captains, about how crappy i was feeling yesterday about everything. her response is always the same. "well swimming will take care of that, it'll get a lot better, i promise." "you'll feel better once swimming picks up." "you have the team, it'll be good, i swear." "trust me, you'll be so glad you joined swimming."
maybe..
i don't know how i feel about living through swimming, though.

i'm getting distracted by swimming a lot. i'm always looking up records and such.

now i'm wondering why they made a big deal about my 1:17 in 100 br. i looked at last year's results from some of the meets and the other girls had 1:14s. the record was a 1:02. how is that even possible??

my heartbeat sped up and i got nervous as i was looking them up. i don't know why. that happened when i was looking at the pictures of dejected olympic swimmers as well.

aiko asked which program i was in. i told her, and she said that all this time she thought i was in engineering because i studied so much. yet i feel like i'm behind. apparently, this is a good attitude...feeling like you're on the brink of failure. maybe she has my room mixed up with choni or nico's, whose doors are always shut, with them inside.

a fly just flew past my face, hit the window glass, turned and flew out the door.

i know it'll get better, but there's nothing like some ungrateful bitching to make my day that much brighter.

there won't be much more of these kinds of posts, i swear.

i think chem chris' name might be rob. but i think i remember thinking "ah it'll be easy to remember his name because i already know a psych chris and because i have a brother chris."

maybe i thought that after i met the psych chris though.

the psych lecture was boring. the TA was saying the wrong stuff but i didn't say anything because i'm a competitive hoebag and i don't care how people i don't care about do. we're in the neuroscience part of the psych class, and he said that he hates that part. he's more into the social aspects of it, with all the definitions, conventions, and memorizing terms. he didn't say it in that way, of course.

i keep falling asleep in lectures that i stay up late studying. which makes perfect sense..but i think what i meant to say was that when i read ahead i end up finding the lecture so boring i can't stay awake. the lack of sleep probably doesn't help either. probably.

andrew spent almost 3 hours last night helping me with a physics question over msn. he's such a good person. it's almost eerie. i'm glad i had (i mean have..have..) a lot of older brothers. andrew helps for mathie stuff, chris with biochem and mark for moral support. i wonder how different i'd be if i had all sisters instead. i think i'd be more annoying. or bitchy. i'd probably have a normal sense of humour...

i'm turning into one of those girls who avoids other girls.

they are so insecure. well i suppose guys can be too. but while guys try to cover up their insecurity with egoism, girls cover it by being slutty or stupid. i think it's easier to be friends with guys, but close friends are better if they're girls.

what am i talking about..? i just keep going on as if i know.

i've seen a couple people in matching tracksuit and pants. not just matching, but they came in the same set. monocolour from head to toe. they're always in velour. they always have ponytails.

i woke up 4 hours earlier than i had to. i thought i had a chem lab todoay, but it turns out my group doesn't start until next week. i had everything set up and was just about to pour acid on this strip of copper when they kicked me out (basically).

i don't want to blog ever again. i don't like how i feel like i need to.

nico, aka the chinese princess, is on garbage duty this week.

something screams at me that she's not going to do it.
she doesn't mind sucking on a stick of toxic chemicals, but she won't touch a garbage bin.

I would say something (ha, no i wouldn't) but i figure there are 7 chances that i won't have to.

chris told me i would regret it, but i told him i wouldn't know what i was missing anyways

except that i do.

i think (?)

it's the fact that i didn't have a choice.

in physics there was a lady with neon green pamphlets. she asked who was interested in going in writing the MCAT in the future, and almost everyone's hands went up. that's how it is. even in physics. everyone i've talked to in science wants to become a doctor, and that's no exaggeration.

i was expecting that though.

i just came back from a physics lab. it was really easy. we had carts and motion sensors just like at spcss. the physics equipment at spcss is actually really good. so far we're still doing review in all my courses. i hate to say it, but it's nice to see some people in my classes struggling. but at the same time i know i'm just borderline.

i fell asleep in bio again. only this time i was somewhere in the middle of the hall. i woke up and i realized i was nearly sleeping on the shoulder of the girl next to me.

i somehow managed to sit beside chris again in chemistry today. i told him i didn't know he was there, but i'm not sure if he believed me. it's not eerie, considering we both come in late, and no one wants to sit in the back, so of course we'll end up sitting somewhere near each other.

i've been calling chris from psych chris, but his real name is christian. i don't remember if he introduced himself as chris or christian now..

i've also been calling james from physics james. but his real name is jamie. i told him this though.

at my physics lab, i was partners with a girl who had never taken grade 12 physics (nor OAC, i imagine...) but somehow got a waiver to take my physics instead of the high-school equivalent physics. but she SUCKS. i definately know how it feels to be treated like an idiot, or to realize that your questions are being waved off, so i'm making sure to help her with anything, but you can't help but be annoyed. my other partner was a guy named Stefan. when we introduced ourselves, he said : "oh, stephanie? cool. i've always wanted to marry a stephanie." i didn't know if i heard him right, so instead of asking for clarification i acted like he didn't say anything (smile and nod). then he repeated it later and told us of his plan to become a sports physiotherapist (he's in kinesiology. go figure.) for the miami dolphins (hah!) and marry one of the cheerleaders named Stephanie. but for now he'll have to go after one of his hot neighbours (in rez). who are not named Stephanie.

It's pretty crazy, the speed at which your opinion of someone else can drop. maybe it's not really justified, but it doesn't really have to be, in my opinion.

i told him it'd be weird, with both of you guys calling each other steph (or stef, i guess). he said no, he'd have special names for her. i said ew. i think he thought i was being perverted. but i meant ew as in the sweetums way.

ew. sweetums.

I don't like feeling like i'm missing out on the unity of residences. (stupid stefan and saying that his rez is a close community. who the hell wants to hear that...) even though i'm sure i am. so i try to convince myself that everyone else is missing out on what i have. even though they'll all be living off campus next year.

so then i tell myself that at least this way i can study and get higher marks.

do you want to guess how long that comforting thought can last for?

there's swimming soon but i feel like someone stuffed cotton balls up my eyelids. they aren't puffy, i'm just tired. so tired...

it's kind of amusing to look at your notes you wrote while you were dozing off. i.e: my bio notes. i wish i could recreate them for you. one of my sentences is squeezed into a space of two centimetres and ends with a smooth line that flows across the sheet.

i just want to connect with one person here..but i don't want to bother.

it's early still.

i don't think i'll be happy until i stop trying to tell myself that.

i try to tell myself that i wasnt' happy on the un trip until we reached new york, halfway through the trip. i was ready to run away even after i met tanya. but then the second half of the day ended up being great. i didn't even talk to sharon until the last few days of the trip...so on...

ugh. my eyes hurt.

i described the swim team to robin and she said they seemd a lot like a rugby team. then she told me about the teamcest that went on in her high school team and how they all broke up mid-season. and then about girls trying to drown their exes and so on. quite amusing..

i dunno...

i dunno i dunno...

when i talk to people i keep trying to convince them to go to mac. and while i talk to them, i really believe they should.

i think i just...i dunno..

when you purposely keep low expectations, you still expect them to be surpassed..

they have been..
but i dunno..

i don't want to try anymore. i never wanted to.

balance. it always gets better as soon as you stop hoping for it to get better.

so i'm living in this girl's old house?

and hey! they mention gaye!

whoa...he coached joanne malar??!

it's hard to believe eunice is 19.

i'm sad that i'm going to miss the swim function tonight. actually, i'm not really sad. but i can't help but feel like this is where everyone will get to know each other and next time i show up no one will care that i'm on the team too.

Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!


ahh..yes. it's loverly.

my parents tell me i don't plan ahead enough.

then they tell me they're dropping in with all their vague times

and fuck up all my plans!!!

i wonder what it would be like to wear my safety goggles swimming. they are supposed to be sealed all the way around.

i bet i could.

p.s. forever.

i had to buy a labcoat (another one..this one was about 50 dollars cheaper than the red one) and safety goggles.

the goggles are sexy. really. the box said that it's model name was "stealth". how hot is that?

they look like ski goggles.

i like them.

i will wear them forever...

forever...

*foreverrrr....*

Hey buddy!
Thanx for gettin back to me on that! [...] I'll see ya soon. Feel free to email whenever ya want. I always reply and I love hearing from everyone. ;p Allrighty then, see ya soon. Have an awesome day!
Your pal, Chrissy

Chrissy is one half of a set of twins on the team. they are second years and i think chrissy is team manager too.
i'm glad she clarified that she is my pal. i'd better record this on my list of pals and uh.. non-pals.

there's another swim function tonight. actually, it's more like free food in the gym. i feel a bit edgy about going. i'm not sure if i want to. all the other "rookies" are making a big effort to fit in. i guess i want to get to know everyone, but i don't want to have to go through the actual process of getting to know them. there are a lot of stephanie's on our team.

an alphid (aphid?) landed on my arm and started walking around. i didn't want to squish it on my arm, so i coaxed it onto a kleenex, which was promptly squeezed and twisted. is it wrong that as it was blindly tumbling onto the tissue, i thought, "that's right, crawl to your death, little one."

i remember working on the festival of lights angel in grade 8 with victoria, emma, shannon, and dayna. it was either shannon or emma whose names meant little wise one. the other one was something like good mother. both are funny.

in victoria's words, she has : "kinda gots me a boy"
me being her..
..if you didn't already know that
..and if you didn't, well...

well nothing. a veneuzualan *sp? named raol. pronounced raoul.

my mom's reaction: "she better not go get herself pregnant"
ah yes.

i'm in an okay mood. if i could draw it, it would be a straight line. i'm going to eat an orange, and then it will go a bit higher, and maybe change colours.

my notes are insanely neat.

so neat, they went insane.

i'm really proud of their neatness.

i'm neat.

i guess i'm feeling kinda funny right now.

devon, it's janet cook, have you heard of her? i think they might have the wrong house though.

anyways, i just came back from the "girls only" team function at the team captain + another swimmer's house. it was alright. they're all going to quarter's, one of the campus bars, but since i'm too young to even be counted as under-age i came home (i.e. i wouldn't even be let in, marked or not). they all started talking about drinking near the end, and sounds like they party a lot, which is okay i guess. i'm not used to party-goers. which is understandable, i think, if you take a close look (well, it doesn't even have to be a close look) at the party goers from spcss.

i felt a lot better when a bunch of them said that they were kind of unhappy in the start of the year. but they said to talk to them about anything, and they all seem really awesome and real. some of the other first years, however..well just this one...
we're both breashtrokers and i think i have a faster time than she does. she reminds me of the little sister who just wants to fit in, but ends up tagging along. she knows a lot of the swimmers (everyone seems to..) and chirps a lot, trying to impress the older girls. devon, she kind of reminds me of courtney.

almost everyone who is in first year doesn't look like they are.

at least i didn't feel little anymore. not really.

anyways, it sounds like it's going to be fun. a lot of the swimmers are actually very funny. they are rivals with u of t, which i enjoy. my cousin's on u of t team, and i told them of this plus how my family wanted me to go there. i told them this after they all voiced their hatred for the u of t team. afterwards, one of them kept saying "you know i was only joking..." and another one would hear and add "i wasn't! they're so damn bitchy!"

i don't know how big the team is, i don't even have an idea. but it's either really big or our team is pretty slutty. i told them some things pamela (the cousin) told me about mac's team, like how the guys and girls hate each other, but then i was told by mac swimmers that they don't hate each other, they just annoy each other.

then they started talking about "teamcest" and how one year they realized that all the maurauder guys had made out with a maurauder girl except for two guys. the captain started talking about how she was good by not making out with any of them yet. then what else..(laurie, are you enjoying this?)
something like they drink together a lot (the guys and girls team), and annoy each other, make out, and get jealous of each other when they get involved with non-varsity people.

i hope it's good.

by that i mean the making out.

just kidding.

i'm really glad they were honest and said that some of them were convinced they knew no one, and would never know anyone in their first years. a lot of them are in science too.

a lot of them are blonde.

the one that thinks adam is hot looks exactly like devon. it's eerie.

well, i guess that's it.

my mom bought two cell phones, and gave one to me. i'm surprised at how much i like it. i always thought i'd dislike having a cell phone.

should i post my number?
no, i'll email it.

okay, you'll probably hear more from me in a little while. i'm home alone, and i like it.

it feels like sunday, but it's actually saturday (*collective gasp* i know. where would you be without me?) which is nice, because usually it's the other way around.

a surprisingly high number of people know of trenton. robin's fished there, a girl named...oh crap i forgot her name..but a swimmer knows of it too. or maybe they are all just thinking of trent. which a lot of the people who said they knew where ttown was were. chris is from peterborough and his family runs a cruise tour of the trent-severn waterway (wo woo....aw) and locks so for once i could actually be sure that he knew where trenton was. i think he's special because he's the first person at mac who i've actually chosen as a friend. with everyone else, i've been sort of..forced to become friends with them. which is fine too, i suppose.

do do do..

i really should be working.

i saw me mammie last night. andrew too. i got in a fight with andrew when he was driving me from the subway to our aunt's house. it was about joan. we didn't talk during dinner, he went to the tv room after while i stayed in the kitchen, and of course, no one else knew we were mad at each other. which is good, because if my mom knew, she'd want to know why, and when she found out she'd just go crazy. andrew knew this too, which is why he left me alone. but afterwards he hugged me (he's really huggy now) and started acting normal again. i saw his place, which is right next to pamela's. it's awesome. i was expecting it to be crap (that is, i expected my brother to be living in a sample of feces) but it's an old house with a huge heavy door and high ceilings. in china town. but the pleasent smelling part. good for smell.

alright, i'm going to take a crack at bio again.

it's not hard, but it's hard to start.

i miss you guys, check your email for my new info. be sure to harass me if i forget your email address!

dayna, i'm glad you're gaining popularity by your association with me and my (stolen) jokes.

just kidding!

why did i say just kidding? does that mean i'm actually not glad her friends liked my jokes?
why don't you tell me, artsy fartsies?

that sucks about queens being hardcore, but you'll be glad they were, in 4 years.

everyone in my house is 19 or older.

my arms ache.

i woke up fifteen minutes before my chem lecture started today, and was probably the last person to enter the lecture hall. it had already started when i came in. i spotted an empty seat in the farthest back right corner of the room (i'm not joking...i was in the last seat in the whole lecture hall. back row, against the wall) and thought "ah well, chris will sit on his own today." so i sat down and it turns out he's sitting right beside me. i'm avoiding calling him by his name, because i'm not positive that that's his name. i'm a great friend.

apparently, he had to quit rowing because his parents are worried sports will take him away from studies.
i felt bad, i've never seen someone so enthusiastic about a sport.
i also felt bad because i'm still going with my sport. should i be worried?
i guess time will tell.

the chem prof handled dry ice with his bare hands. he also tried to light magnesium ribbon with a lighter after the bunsen burner didn't work. and to top it all off, he was also working with a cylinder of chlorine gas under his "fumehood" which was imaginary. i realize this should all be scary, but we all laughed instead.

i left my psych class and offended the psych t.a. in doing so. it was a sub, and we're just wasting time until the video lectures are ready anyways. i heard her using me as an example after i left the class, but what can you do.

the other psych classes were cancelled anyways.

i'm having dinner in t.o. tonight. it's going to be a weekly thing.

physics time.

i saw chris in the mob that forms on the staircase in front of the main entrance into the bio/chem lecture hall. i was on the side trying to squeeze in, he was trying to get out. i was going to do that thing where i just grab someone's leg or arm and hold on until they recognize me, but i decided against it. instead, i did nothing. someone called out his name and he looked the other way, anyways.

i kind of wish i didn't bring him up at the cake party.
because now that i've talked about him in that context (although..i wasn't the one to start talking about him like that), it seems as if i'm the one who is pining away for him. which just won't do.
everytime we talk (HAH. all two times) or i see him (the one time mentioned above), he bumps into a girl he knows.
everytime i see him, i always have to stop and think if i really know him or not. he has kind of a common face.

"white people all look alike"
- my mom, the world's greatest ambassador of sensitivitiy.

i'm talking like a lameo (draino).

people say "i swear," a lot here. it's the new like! i swear!

i had "can you hear the people sing?" from les mis stuck in my head for the hour and a half i was swimming. it motivated me. go france and bathing the soil in your blood. i don't know anyone at swimming, and it makes me a bit well, not sad. but not happy. i expected swimming would be where i'd meet people like me, but we'll see.

i walked home with Carly the swimmer, forgot her name as i was introducing her to Robin. turns out she lives not even 4 houses away from me. she's living in a cute place (she's first year social science) with her sister and 4 other swimmers. her sister told me an olympic swimmer named janet used to live in my place. her un-dead (literally) spirit lurks around here. well, probably moreso in her actual living body than here, but hey..

my cousin pamela, who is on the U of T swim team told me that Mac is weird because the guys and girls hate each other on the team. "they don't even train together". which is a lie. and it seems like they get along...sometimes the lanes are all guy, or all girl, but no one plans that. which could be negative too.

there is another coach, named Kip. from what i gather, he used to be a swimmer, but hurt himself and now coaches sometimes. sometimes he comes in really dressed up.

there is a guy on our team who looks like a celebrity..who could it be..
there are a few like that.

i feel really little at practice. like how i felt when i first started swimming way back when. when i was actually little. i think it was that everyone else seemed so much older, and knew each other, went to school together, had histories..and then there was me, who never said a word. what i'm trying to say is that i don't feel like i'm acting like myself at swimming, but at the same time, i am.

carly's sister, naomi told me things will be more fun at the christmas training camp in acaulpocoabasdican'tspellatropicalplace. i'm not going to the xmas training camp there. she said it'd be better after "rookie night" too, but i have a feeling that'll be a house party for swimmers, where they make all the "rookies" wear weird hats, dance on tables, be loud, play name bingo. one of those doesn't fit with the others...

i like going around the gym and seeing people walking to and fro holding their sport equipment. i think it's cool how everyone has some unique feature that belongs to them, like the guy with the frisbee, the one with the lacrosse stick, the girl wearing shinpads, me with my kickboard, and so on.

another cake party memory:

robin asked us if we noticed that while all the upperyears were really good looking, all the first years were pretty ugly.
i said, Yeah! and perhaps a little too enthusiastically.
there was a silence
"I've thought about this a lot --- uh.. before. sometimes." was my explanation.
another silence.
"My theory is that they just have to fill out a bit."
silence.
"you know, give them time"
silence
"because i noticed that about them too."
silence
"once they're a little older and have filled out."
silence
"so usually it's okay. i think it'll be alright."
silence
"because i was actually trying to imagine them older."
silence
"if you concentrate on their faces, it works better."
silence
"i've spent too much time on this."
they finally laughed at me.

silence makes me talk more.

when people call me "sweetie", i feel like i'm being talked down to. i don't like it.
yet i like being petted on the head, or having my head used as an armrest.

oh, spice of life.

last night, i spent 2 hours distracted by the sydney olympics web site. they had pictures of swimmers at races, racing, etc...
(that's kind of the same thing, isn't it.)
there are two things:
a) no matter who you are, when you are racing, you can't help but look friggin' ugly.
b) the pictures where the exhausted swimmers look up to see their crappy, crappy times are really fascinating.


i'm really excited for the olympics in athens.
that's right, everyday i jump out of bed and shout, "OH MY GOD, THE OLYMPICS ARE GONNA BE SO AWESOME!" I've been doing that for the last 3 years, folks.
the ones in beijing is gonna be exciting too. everything about china is this: big place with little people, all moving in sync with each other.

here is a quote from my psychology introduction written by the psych prof. he's talking about multiple choice tests and how students always think they are being tricked, when they aren't, and thereby trick themselves.

"Don't let this happen to you! If you know the material and come across an alternative that you don't recognize at all, your first and strongest impulse should be to shout "NO!! This is meaningless drivel, put here to entice the weak-minded. I will not be fooled!" - or something of the sort. Do this inwardly, so as not to startle the rest of the class."

oh you just wait...

everyday my psych TA becomes less attractive.

all i have to talk about today is attractiveness. potential attractiveness, degrading attractiveness...

it's thursday. it has been one week of university class. one week of swim practice.

i celebrated by cleaning my first bathroom. it was unpleasent.

so, so, so unpleasent.

the crawling on all fours picking up wet housemate hairs off the floor, while trying not to slip on the wet tiles, nor touch anything with your feet kind of unpleasent.

maybe it wasn't that bad.

could be worse.

i could be hungry..

i want to meet julia's theresa and punch her in the face. i don't know why i want to break everything julia loves. i should be her older, fat, hairy, loudmouthed, bitter sister. because i must become ugly before i can become a bad person (that's what cartoons taught me).
maybe it's because julia said she's like me.
oh no! but julia loves mee! will i have to break myself!? oh..this sucks. i'm torn. in two. because julia loves me. damn youuu

wow that was weird.

hey hey, phone line this weekend. i still don't like using phones though.

i haven't been able to get a hold of my mom for two days. i hope she isn't dead, mugged by a drunken wahoo patron as she slowly moved from the office door to her van, arms full of charts and papers, late at night, with her cries for help muffled by the cars moving on the bridge.

that was sick.

why do i end my posts with morbid thoughts?

i'm not going to be able to concentrate on homework now.

i go to the same school as laura, allison, amanda and abeer, but i never see them. nor talk to them. not even in the classes we share. sad because i'm not sad, kind of deal. oh well. it's only been ... barely a week. i've been saying that to myself a lot lately. it's true, though.

bye, luvahs.

p.s. last friday a really nice lady with a neck brace and cane gave me all her change (about $10 worth) and asked me to pray for her in return, at the train station. it was after i told her about how the taxi driver let me ride for free when there wasn't a bank machine at the station.

Robin (one of my basement housemates) told me some jokes she heard from a friend about universities (i love jokes that involve ontario universities..)

How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the lightbulb, two to throw a lightbulb changing party, and two to find matching gap outfits for everyone.

How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to tell everyone that they changed it as well as anyone from Queen's could do it.

so true...so true..
McMaster may or may not have an inferiority complex, but i know sometimes i do about going here. reading dayna's blog about queen's, and hearing from my friends in queen's engineering/science, i often want to defend mcmaster, even though no one is even talking about mcmaster.

I used to have a really low opinon of Queen's. i'm not sure why. i think it was the queen's mini-enrichment program.

U of T sent me a survey to ask me why i decided not to go there. hopefully i win a prize.

it's been really hot out.

my mood is inversely proportional to the temperature of my surroundings.

ha, take that.

Robin also had this to say:
If you have a rack, go to Mac.

there are a lot of girls here. or maybe it's because i'm in science, and girls always go into science, the guys go into engineering.

Yesterday, Robin and I went to a mandatory lab-safety lecture for everyone in engineering and science. She ended up sitting beside two engineers. i will admit that i haven't talked to a lot of engineers here, but everytime i do, they tend to talk about being in engineering.

I guess when you think things are harder for you, you want everyone to know it, whether they care or not.

but anyways, one of these engineers turned to robin and said: you're in science, aren't you?
she is.
he turns to his friend and says: see, all the hot girls are in science.
haha robin's hot.

i like robin. but i'm pretty sure we wouldn't be this close if we didn't live together. she's a real fluffy bunnies, pink wallpaper girl, who worked at osc (not as a host in a labcoat, but as a ticket-hander outer), is from "downtown toronto". she's one of those torontonians who will tell you everything about anything because they think that they know that muh more than you. but considering how much worse personalities can be, robin's great.

anyways, back to the egoneers...
they said that on faculty day, the engineer frosh were told that what they do is go to the biology lectures and pick up all the science girls there to piss off all the science guys. they aren't allowed to date anyone in social sciences or humanities, because that "would be an insult to their intellect".

it's very sad, yet extremely funny.

funny because it's sad, sad because it's funny...a vicious cycle..of laughter...i'm hungry.

so..

my lectures are starting to become very very irritating. it seems like the people who have meaningful questions never speak up, yet the people who keep asking the same question that was just answered thirty seconds earlier are the most outspoken.

"so what is an asymmetrical carbon?" was asked at least 7 times last lecture. i don't know why the prof didn't just tell them to listen next time.

girls often ask the questions. which is fine. if only they would learn to speak.
"so like...how does the like, linear one..or whatever..how does it go from that to ..like, the ..."
i think they might feel silly speaking eloquently, as if that makes them pretentious and unapprochable.

my housemates:

herpreet: a 3rd year psych with minor in bio. she's nice. the one who was living here when i broke in with my mom. talks her own brand of elegant ghetto talk.
amoy: 3rd year bio and psych, in basement. she's younger than most 3rd years. i'm sharing a phone line with her. she seems uptight sometimes but is actually pretty cool and real. she's the one who brought paper to take minutes at our house meeting.
aiko: 3rd year something or other. psych, i think. lives upstairs, across from me. a lot like amoy, but less uptight. i think she smokes, but she doesn't smell. (hooray for her.) herpreet, amoy, and aiko are all friends and had rooms in the house first.
choni: 1st year international student from bhutan. upstairs, has the room beside me. i helped her find the place. actually, i found it for her. she's nice, has accent, is in science too. she's kind of dressy. she once told me she was really glad that i was "asian too", but i'm sure she was surprised to see just how much of a banana/hollow bamboo/CBC i was. i think she wants to hang out more with other international students, like
nicola: 1st year commerce, who came from beijing to toronto. was in toronto for 1.5 years. smokes, doesn't smell. dresses up a lot. all this time we've been calling her Nico because that's how she pronounced it. has an accent, obviously, speaks english well enough. kind of tiring to hold a conversation because of the pseudo-language barrier, and she knows it. she probably thinks so too. but nice enough. plays "Fighter" - Christina Aguillera A LOT in her room. she's upstairs too. i think i'm just going to keep calling her Nico. i like it more.
robin: basement girl. 1st year science. you've heard of her already. i hang out most with her and
eunice: other basement girl. 1st year social science. she wants to break out of her shell, but sometimes is too lazy/whiny/scared to do so. last night she confessed she "just really wants a boyfriend" and i lost some respect for her. but then again, although i like her enough, she's a pretty ... well... she says "sweetie" a lot, talks about boys, has a crush on an engineer already ("i ADORE him!"), is naive yet too jaded to realize this...

a good mix. turned out better than i thought it would, but it's definately still pretty early to say anything.

so SOCS is the society of off campus students. all the residences (as at probably all other universities) are always competing against each other during frosh week. not to be left out, SOCS acts like it's own little residence. usually, they have a horrible turn out, because people are too lazy to come out, but this year because there are so many first years, and we're all scared of being left out, they have around 700 people at the events, while other halls, like laura's has about 100. it's fun.

they wear orange jumpsuits and yell at you.

one of our science cheers (this is late and boring, talking about frosh week now), and my favourite one was:
sine, sine, cosine, sine. 3.14159
over and over again.
at faculty night, we went to a bar/beach/patio/volleyball place. someone the cheer started, and the dj was yelling it into the microphone. all the drunk people were either really into it, or really disgusted by it. i was just staring into the distance, as i had just found out that laura and josh were dating.

there's a guy, chris (i think.)
there are actually two chris's. one is in my psych class, and happens to be taking all the same courses as me. ew..why does everything smell like pee suddenly..either pee or raw noodles.

holy shit. aiko was in her room this whole time and i didn't know. she just came out.

last night eunice, robin and i had a cake party. which is actually the same thing as eating cake and bitching in the living room. the conversation turned to guys, as it usually does with delightfully profound people such as ourselves. robin has a boyfriend who is at u of t, and was from upper canada college. apparantly, she dates mostly only private school boys. who were all from UCC. who were all friends. who were all in the same classes...
eunice, probably hasn't had a boyfriend. she really wants one. i get embarassed for her when she talks about our big bay window as the "hot guy window".
i tried to mention chris and how i met someone who was on the rowing team, which was crazy, because the rowers have early early morning practice, have to find their own transportation there, and he has to rollerblade for half an hour each way, and is always late for chem
but then eunice said "go for him. get him, and dont' let go". it was scary. but now that i re-read that, it's actually really really funny. "don't let go, or you'll be alone forever...forever.."
but it's just odd how once you mention a guy, they say "go for him" or "get him" or other threatening things like that.

robin was saying how there's a guy in her physics class who she will "give to" eunice.
he speaks three languages, she said.
we all laughed because eunice is definately not the type to care about that.
then i cried.
then i ate the bowl.
eunice said "no, steph can have him"
it bothers me a tad, although i guess this isn't really anything new. but why do girls talk like this? i know they probably aren't like this normally, acting as if all they have to do is snap their fingers and they "have" a guy. or as if there's some sign up sheet, and that's all it takes. or even that the only prerequisite for dating someone is that they have and X and a Y.

no, it's probably not like that. i'm just being critical now. but i guess girl talk and cake parties are all about talking as if that's how it really is. it's about boosting your confidence by showing off how much you can pretend to know about guys, life, and human nature in general.

then we went on to talk about pickiness.
they both said they were picky.
then asked me.

i wonder if there's anyone out there who would describe themselves as being not picky.


i'm on a roll.

but it's time for swimming.
there's a mysterious cut on my hand.
it's wearing a disguise.
i wonder how it got there.

i really like the poem i posted last.

i wonder if i could put it on my tombstone. maybe just the last stanza. hm maybe not. it's a little too morbid without the other ones.
ah, what lovely thoughts from such a lovely girl.

When music sounds, gone is the earth I know,
And all her lovely things even lovelier grow;
Her flowers in vision flame, her forest trees
Lift burdened branches, stilled with ecstasies.

When music sounds, out of the water rise
Naiads whose beauty dims my waking eyes,
Rapt in strange dreams burns each enchanted face,
With solemn echoing stirs their dwelling-place.

When music sounds, all that I was I am
Ere to this haunt of brooding dust I came;
While from Time's woods break into distant song
The swift-winged hours, as I hasten along.

- Walter de la Mare

my other swim coach looks like david hasslehoff.

he winked at me today.

he was pissed off because i got the swim practice times wrong (and have been getting them wrong all week, but only found out now) and came during the last 3 minutes.

i don't think they know my name. they probably refer to me as the breaststroker.

that's probably something on someone's Life's Goals list somewhere, but not on mine.

bresshstroker.
i hope devon's laughing right now.

i'm so pissed off.

the last two housemates, amoy and aiko, (third years, i think) came, finally. they are both friends with herpreet, the other and last third year in our house. when they are all together i get the impression all they see when they look at the rest of us are a bunch of frosh. meanwhile, all of us are trying to be friends, but they act as if we're just doing business together.

i'm mad because no one knows whose laundry is in the drier.

aiko said to put it in the basket in the basement, it's probably theirs.

it's my basket.

and that makes me mad too.

today was a stupid yet necessary day.

i fell asleep in bio class. it was so fucking dull, i died.

then came back to life, miracle of miracles.

i went to the wrong chemistry lab room 3 times.

i keep doing things wrong.
going to the wrong places, at wrong times.

having said all that, i feel obligated to say that i'm still loving university. as if i'm cheating myself out of an experience if i say i'm not. but honestly, i'm not. i'm not hating it either.

it's a misconception, being able to say you love university or hate it.
i'm having a crappy day, but that doesn't mean i hate hamilton.

my psych TA damned me today.
i admired my calc prof's pants.
i ate a box of instant rice, and now my breath smells like...mexicana.
eunice patted me on my head.
i invited allison out with us saturday, she said yep, now i'm thinking maybe i don't want to do hang out with her, lest my fears of friendships deterorating be confirmed.

back to finding out just how little chemistry i learned in high school.

maybe one of these days it'll work out..

it just sucks how it has to get worse before it gets better.

"i know you won't fail, nor get just a pass or a first class honors with distinction. for you, it's a matter of honors or first class honors."


i got a 68 on my piano exam.

this sucks. i'm leaving.

hi kids

i'm in the science/engineering library right now, but i should be on my way to physics class

so far, everything's fine, i guess. i had my little version of the frosh week blues, but i figure that's mostly because i didn't want to go get to know new people and whatnot. so i was basically just in a tired.bad mood.

i have a lot to say, but at the same time i don't really..

no internet or phone at home. good and bad, i guess. landlord is a doofus, but he's okay, i suppose.

my dad dropped by unexpectedly with joan yesterday. i missed the pj parade. remind me to tell you what the pj parade is about. remind me to tell you about clothesline.

aw this sucks, i should post when i'm in a posting mood.
i'm feeling really drained in every aspect of the word.
physically: because i've been out in the sun and with black hair, that's no good. i've also "made" the varsity swim team (no one gets cut..) and was put on the A team, which is awesome, but also sucks because i haven't reguarily attended practice for at least a year and a half, and that was only for two weeks. i feel like i have to prove myself, and..

emotionally: laura's dating josh. i found out last night. it was their one month on tuesday (barfo). i spent all of last night (faculty night at this bar by the beach) bitching her out over how i feel about that. josh is awesome, but laura was one of my best friends at nerdery so man oh man, if he does anything to her...
i was so pissed off, yet found it very funny and cute at the same time.

mentally: well, not so much. classes haven't really geared up yet. i will tell you about those later (famous last words. i never tell about things later when i say i will. i.e.: the first impressions) hopefully once i have internet at home. actually, hopefully not. i really don't want to get hooked again...but just one more hit! ah..okay. that's enough.

what else is there...

oh yeah. today, after my chem lecture, as i was leaving, there were a group of red suits (the engineering faculty spirit leaders. they wear red coveralls that are decorated) outside the exit. there's always a rivalry between the science faculty and engineering faculty (science spirit leaders are called SciCos. witty, i know!) and they've been trying to harass us first year science students. yesterday it was by interrupting our calc class and pointing out that we are sciences in the engineering building (math classes are in the engineering building, which ironically, is one of the worst designed buildings), then standing by the door as we all filed out after class. but today it was same thing except one of the engineers had this blue foam phallic thinger and was air-humping and grunting in our direction as we all left our lecture hall. this was in the science building, mind you. it was so disgusting. for a split second, i was going to rip the blue foam from him and throw it at his face, but instead i went to the sexual harassment office and reported them.

my mama would be proud.

i was really mad, though. it was one of those instances where you think back to it, and come up with all these scorchingly witty things to say, but didn't say.

there are about 3040 students enrolled in psych 1A03. one prof. who looks like santa claus. and acts like him too! so they split all the 3040 into groups of about 30 and gave us T.A.'s. we're going to be lectured by video. my T.A's name sounds fake. Jonah SantaBarbara. he says "gay" the wrong way a lot. everyone chortles when he does. he smiles. i'm sure he thinks he's cool. the skanky girls try to get his attention. it's very barftastic.

speaking of gay, the head swim coach's name is Gaye. at the first meeting he said: "my name is Gaye, but if you're shy, you can call me Mr.Stratton, or Coach. but no matter what, I am Gaye. not really, but I am."

one of the team captains of the girl's team was impressed by my PB in 100br, and told a lot of people. then they saw me swim yesterday, and no one has been impressed since.

i have no contacts, i'm blind at swimming. i can't see the pace clock, nor the faces of who is talking to me.

ho hum.

more to say, and do, but for now, i'm going to go off to phys.

remind me to talk about my housemates.

Generally, this past week has been an 8/10. mostly because i was expecting a lot worse.

oh yes. remind me to talk to you about SOCS.
and my disgusting neighbours.
and my okay other neighbours.

miss you too, i'll be back soon!